It felt easier being lost...

Started by AudioArtist, August 09, 2008, 02:26:27 pm

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August 09, 2008, 02:26:27 pm Last Edit: August 10, 2008, 04:36:01 am by AudioArtist
Sorry to do another post calling out for help here, but I'm really in quite a bad way. I managed a few days staying faithful in God (reading the wonderful book, "Experiencing the Holy Spirit", by Robert D. Heidler definitely helped) and I had high hopes in being His vessel and exorcising His power in love.

However, last night, a friend who is with me here in Hungary found it hard to breathe suddenly and had a pain in her side (I don't know what caused this - though she has had panic attacks in the past with various similar physical symptoms). I wanted to find two scriptures in Jeremiah and Issiah that I knew to comfort her; as I searched for them, however, I was reminded of all the wars and blood and wrath God spoke in the Old Testament, and it made me confused and doubtful. However, I wasn't too bad that night, and we both eventually fell asleep. Please note - and I am being honest here - that I did not search the Old Testament to FIND difficult passages. I had some specific ones in mind to help the girl, but had forgotten where they were.

Later today was much worse. I had a sort of horrible panic attack (but not a full blown one, because I have methods to calm them down and haven't had them for years) as I realized I found it hard to believe again. I did pray to God - I told Him it's this SAME PATTERN, every time, and asked for help. The thing is, it is the same thing every time: I come to Him in faith, all excited for a few days, after something has boosted the faith. I forget what made me doubt in the first place and I find the experience hopeful and wonderful. And then I read something in the Bible, and the doubts come back, and I get so depressed and anxiety-stricken over what I've read. Then I want to give up all together, even though I've had a few days of feeling so hopeful in the Lord, because the later feelings connected with this faith are often so horrible for me. I found it easier when I spent a few months putting God at the back of my mind - not disbelieving, but largely ignoring Him - than I find this. This was hell.

I'm not saying this is truth, but how I feel is this: It would be much more sensible for my sanity to avoid thinking about God altogether, and to try and enjoy life and do good with a vague belief in Christ somewhere in my mind. At the moment, it SEEMS like the faith stops me from enjoying the many blessings I should be enjoying, especially right now in Hungary, with its beautiful, beautiful countryside, wonderful wine, and kind people. It feels so much more sensible to be 'in the moment' and to enjoy life without battling to keep up (or maybe even begin? It never gets very far) a relationship with God/a faith in something so hard to keep up a faith in. When I try to get close to Him, I get too obsessive, too 'hyper-spiritual' and my imagination goes off and then this horrible stuff happens. However, I know He's not best pleased with the lukewarm, in fact He spits them out - so ignoring Him isn't an option. Then that fact just adds more pressure! As do all the many other warnings and admonishments for both the Elect on non-Elect alike throughout the Bible.

Please pray. It all seems so hard. But I want what is True, not what is easiest. But I wish the Truth were a bit more life-giving for a bit longer! What am I doing wrong!? I'm back to an 'in-between' state, a sort weak agnosticism where I acknowledge Christ but don't put too much conscious hope in Him or the Bible (even if I still believe in my heart.)


It's so hard to answer this post, because anything Isay will sound like a simple platitude, but I can assure you that is not what I'm trying to do.

One thing that has helped me is to realize that we are human "beings" and not human "doings".  So many people are trying so hard to "do" something, when in reality, God just wants us to "be".  For too long, we've been taught that we have to read our Bibles every day, pray at least 5 times a day, go to church every time the doors are open....  There's nothing wrong with any of those things, but that's not what God is looking for.  He's just looking for us to have a real relationship with Him.

From your post, it sounds like you truly desire to seek after the things of God, and as you seek after Him, you will find Him.   But sometimes, that just means you need to just rest in Him, not by reading, not by praying, but just by "being" with Him.  This song explains what I'm trying to say, better than I can say it...

The More I Seek You - Kari Jobe
"There is no charge for awesomeness -- or attractiveness."



I agree wholeheartedly with Pete, rest in Him, He is Good, He is pursuing you to love on you, isn't that something?

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another.
By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another. John 13


Perhaps it was an attack?

I am better now, but still scared to read the Bible or 'dive in' as deeply as I did before.

Thanks for your responses.


August 11, 2008, 11:10:20 am #5 Last Edit: August 11, 2008, 11:22:33 am by Hisgirl
Remember Scott Thompson from church?  I felt like God wanted me to share with what his said yesterday.

Pay special attention to the vision he had.   You might want to listen to some of the beginning Jesus culture testimonies, then move past some of the other stuff till about 20 minutes in.

An attack?

You recently opened your mouth and rebuked a lying spirit.  The atmosphere shifted and you and a witness saw God move.  You saw the fruit from that boldness.  Was all of heaven rejoicing and saying "YES!!"  You betcha.    Was all of satan's dominion falling across the sky?  Yep. 

So the enemy sends thoughts of doubts to you.  "Remember the awful things God did in the Old Testament?  THINK Robert, think!  God did bad things, you can't trust him, all this you think you believe in is rubbish.  I'm telling you the truth."

These thoughts that they sound like they're from God?    No.   They do not.  Do they uplift, honor, revere God?  No.  So they can't be from your regenerated, new creation that is the vessel for the living Holy Spirit and mind of Christ. 

That leaves one other option.   

If you pushed against a lying spirit, how would it push back?   

With a LIE perchance?  Sent to your mind, perchance?

Yes, it was an attack.  To get you out of the word where you'll find guidance and truth.  To push you off your rock, your calling, your destiny, your identity.

Be bold Robert.  Do it again.  Be who you are.  A mighty man of God CALLED to call out truth and expose lies.

Keep walking forward.  This was one little step back.  Look straight ahead and keep moving forward like you've been doing.  I"m so proud of you for what you did.  You're surrounded by those who are in strongholds and can use an arrow of truth.  God has equipped you and filled your quiver.  All you have to do is pull back the bow and shoot. 

Listen to that talk.  It's one hour.  Listen and let it fill you back up. 
"It's better to have it and not need it, than to need it and not have it."  My Mama


Too much of anything is bad especially when your not ready for it.  People are so afraid of being labeled a "Baby Christian" but in reality "Baby Christians" are souls the biggest parties in Heaven are thrown for!

I've see so many people, including myself, try to go from Not knowing Jesus, to meeting Him, directly to becoming a scribe on Him in a matter of a couple months. 

Walking with Jesus is not a 40 meter dash...its a 26 mile marathon walk with the Lord with the Holy spirit as your coach.

Take the walk slowly bro...savor every moment of it and when you feel yourself trying to push too hard, slow down, re-focus on Him and take it easy...He will never leave your side, ever, even if you stop moving.

Peace Homie!


Thank you so much flyingsum0 and Dana - you're posts were honestly a real help. I'm feeling back on track now and have even prayed for healing yesterday for someone else (didn't see any immediate results except for the pain 'moving' up her body, but that didn't bother me!)

You're right, flyingsum0. I've got to remember to not try and speed God up or my own progress, but to take each day at a time and progress as He wants me too, which may well be slower than what I want! :)


What good words spoken here! and a reminder for me also, chew, chew, chew, instead of swallowing whole (my silly analogy regarding going too fast). - I have two dogs and a foster dog, even when they have a bacon treat, they still swallow fast instead of savoring the moment.
A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another.
By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another. John 13


How are you doing AA - you have some awesome words here - still praying for you. Give us an update.
Diamonds From Heaven - help for the hurting heart
Beautiful gifts - the men love them