His Grace Oasis

General Category => General Discussion => Deeper Fellowship => Topic started by: Pete on August 18, 2008, 10:29:54 pm

Title: Love and Marriage
Post by: Pete on August 18, 2008, 10:29:54 pm
So, I was talking to a guy at work today, about family, and marriage

What spurred this whole line of thought is that I have a niece, who has been married just shy of a year, who is now getting a divorce, at 19...  (http://www.rtechsupport.com/forum/Smileys/default/doh.gif)

So I got to thinking, what is it that makes a marriage successful?
For example, Sarah and I were married very young.  We only dated for about 4-5 months before we decided we were going to get married (although we had to wait until Sarah graduated high school before we could actually get married...). Sarah had just turned 19 and had been out of high school for just over a month.  I had just graduated college and been working at my job for less than 6 months.  We didn't have 2 nickels to rub together.

Statistically, we were doomed to fail.  We were too young.  We didn't have enough money.  We didn't know each other long enough.  But here we are, 9 years and 2 kids later, and I wonder, what was different?

So I started thinking.  Both of us had truly and sincerely given up on dating.  We had each told God that if He wanted us to be married, that He would have to show us our spouse.  And we had truly surrendered that care to Him.

I believed then, just as I do now, with all of my heart and without any reservation that God created Sarah to be my wife, and I to be her husband.  I think that's key #1.  I had been "in love" before (or so I thought), but I never could say that I believed it's what GOD wanted for me.  I could only say that it's what I thought I wanted.   It was not until Sarah that I could truly say that I was doing what God wanted for me.

I grew up in a pretty wild, Charismatic, Spirit-filled, tongue-talking church my entire life, whereas Sarah came from a denominational Nazarene background.  Needless to say, there were some, um, issues we had to work through.

But why we were able to work through those issues?  Because we were open to one another.  This stuff was completely foreign to Sarah in every way.  But she was open to it, and I did the best job I could to explain it to her.  We began to read our Bible together.  We began praying together every night.  We began to allow God to bring us closer and closer together for what He had destined us for.

But that was only the beginning.  We had to do our part also.  Looking back, one of the things that was extremely beneficial to us, though we didn't think so at the time, was our pre-marital counseling.  We were able to talk about all the little things that people tend to overlook.  We talked about how many kids we wanted, and when, who would work when he had kids and who would stay home, where we would go on holidays, where we wanted to live, what we believed...  looking back on it, it was extremely beneficial to us.  We were able to sit down with our pastor, and talk about all kinds of things.  It brought us closer together, and it brought us closer to our pastor as well.

But I think the greatest thing that has caused us to stay together instead of becoming another statistic is that we have learned how to let go of offenses.  Naturally, I do things that upset Sarah (http://www.rtechsupport.com/forum/Smileys/default/winkcheeky.gif), and many times, she just lets it go, no questions asked.  Not as often, she does things that I must let go.  But the key is, letting go.

There are so many petty things that a married couple can argue about.  I remember my sister getting all upset when her husband put the toilet paper on the wrong way!  But really, does it matter how you pull the toilet paper off the roll?

Now, we've had our fair share of stupid arguments too, but they don't usually last long, and that brings me to another point.  When we do get upset, we don't stay upset.  In our 9-years of marriage, no one has ever had to sleep on the couch.  We always work through our problems quickly (well, fairly quickly, and we're getting better...  (http://www.rtechsupport.com/forum/Smileys/default/th_TFRD323.png))

I guess what I'm trying to say, through all of my rambling, is that Love is the key.  (Duh!)  The very same principles that I've talked about for so long on these forums (paying no attention to suffered wrongs, keeping no record of wrongs, not insisting on your own rights, etc.) is precisely what you need to have a successful marriage.

It sounds so simple.

So then I started thinking, what causes couples to not do this?  And why?  What could be so important that they forfeit their marriage over it?

So anyway, my thoughts are not fully put together on this, so I'll stop here for now.  Please feel free to give me your thoughts and insights.
Title: Re: Love and Marriage
Post by: sharonl on August 18, 2008, 10:54:20 pm
I would have to say that letting go is one of the most important things in a marriage.

I don't think I ever learned to let go totally - I could bring up all the hurts and run them across my mind just like a slide show.

I was always one that burned rubber out of the drive way when I was upset - we don't really argue - the last time I really did that didn't turn out so good. I was upset and I took off (which I usually did) went to the lake - we have friends there for the weekend - so just decided I'd spend the night with them - I was in the lake at 2:00 in the morning trying to keep the mesquotes off me so I decided to just go home - we had the camper set up in the yard - decided I'd just sleep in the camper - it was kinda on an incline and I had to hang on to the bed to keep from rolling off - couldn't take it any more - went in the house at 6:00 - he gets up at 6:30 says "good morning" had no clue I had been out all night trying to "show him" - who did I hurt - ME!!!!

We had everything against us when we married - but I have been truly Blessed with a wonderful husband, wonderful man and wonderful father. We will celebrate our 50th anniversary in November. In spite of my trying to "show him" a few times.
Title: Re: Love and Marriage
Post by: churchlady on August 19, 2008, 08:23:59 am
So many people will separate and divorce just because they have problems getting along.  What happened to the idea of trying to work through problems?  Divorce is far too easy and the kids pay the price.

I really wish that pre-marital counseling before getting a marriage license, was required by law.
Title: Re: Love and Marriage
Post by: Pete on August 19, 2008, 08:39:22 am
Now THAT is not a bad idea!

Although you'd want to make sure you had a good, Godly, qualified counselor.
Title: Re: Love and Marriage
Post by: flaglady on August 19, 2008, 11:33:17 am
Can't say too much - being a single maiden lady who's never even had a relationship to base opinion on but it's always seemed to me as an outside observer, that marriages are good where neither partner puts their needs before the other. Love desires all for the beloved.

Some words I heard in a play the other day struck home, one man speaking to another "... but when YOU are loved - man, that makes you feel like a KING!".
Title: Re: Love and Marriage
Post by: JeCrois on August 19, 2008, 11:58:43 am
Did anyone else sing the song when they saw this thread?!? :bigtooth:


"Love and marriage, love and marriage,
Go together like a horse and carriage...."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ze1sx9YR2Ec&feature=related (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ze1sx9YR2Ec&feature=related)





Sorry....couldn't help myself!! (http://www.rtechsupport.com/forum/Smileys/default/winkcheeky.gif)
Title: Re: Love and Marriage
Post by: flaglady on August 19, 2008, 12:35:10 pm
Should be ashamed of yourself! Fancy bringing up that ... (http://www.rtechsupport.com/forum/Smileys/default/doh.gif)
Title: Re: Love and Marriage
Post by: JeCrois on August 19, 2008, 02:37:59 pm
I said I couldn't help it!  (http://www.rtechsupport.com/forum/Smileys/default/sad.gif)


Go ahead with your best shot....(http://www.rtechsupport.com/forum/Smileys/default/th_smack.gif)
Title: Re: Love and Marriage
Post by: flyingsum0 on August 19, 2008, 08:45:44 pm
i been married almost 14 years...practically half my life...i couldnt imagine my life any other way :)
Title: Re: Love and Marriage
Post by: Pete on August 19, 2008, 10:13:39 pm
Quote from: flyingsum0 on August 19, 2008, 08:45:44 pm
i been married almost 14 years...practically half my life...i couldnt imagine my life any other way :)

Sumo, you're only 28 and you got married when you were 14? (http://www.rtechsupport.com/forum/Smileys/default/th_TFRD323.png)

And here I thought you were "0" like your forum profile says.  (http://www.rtechsupport.com/forum/Smileys/default/th_TFRD323.png)
Title: Re: Love and Marriage
Post by: flyingsum0 on August 19, 2008, 10:17:26 pm
I wish lol :) actually Im 34 :D
Title: Re: Love and Marriage
Post by: Pete on August 19, 2008, 10:23:52 pm
I thought you were older than me!  (http://www.rtechsupport.com/forum/Smileys/default/tongue.gif)

I'm only 30, for at least 10 more days anyway...  (http://www.rtechsupport.com/forum/Smileys/default/winkcheeky.gif)
Title: Re: Love and Marriage
Post by: churchlady on August 19, 2008, 11:07:33 pm
The things that are important to you in marriage changes over time. 
What drives you crazy in one stage hardly gets your attention in another. 
What leaves you feeling hurt and misunderstood in one stage doesn't seem to faze you in another.
What confuses/perplexes you in one stage become clear in another.

Marriage is always in a stage of transition according to the daily choices the partners make concerning each other.  So it's moving in a direction of having greater life or it's going in the direction of dying, towards greater happiness or falling into greater unhappiness, towards greater companionship or greater lonliness, but it's always moving and changing.

Every choice in how you treat your mate and how your mate treats you determines which direction it goes in, but it moves on, nevertheless.

And it takes two people to make a good marriage.
Title: Re: Love and Marriage
Post by: 8 iron on August 20, 2008, 04:17:47 pm
Quote from: JeCrois on August 19, 2008, 11:58:43 am
Did anyone else sing the song when they saw this thread?!? :bigtooth:


"Love and marriage, love and marriage,
Go together like a horse and carriage...."


aevac://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ze1sx9YR2Ec&feature=related (http://aevac://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ze1sx9YR2Ec&feature=related)





Sorry....couldn't help myself!! (http://aevac://www.rtechsupport.com/forum/Smileys/default/winkcheeky.gif)


:pan: Nicely played
Title: Re: Love and Marriage
Post by: Renee on August 20, 2008, 06:05:30 pm
Quote from: JeCrois on August 19, 2008, 11:58:43 am
Did anyone else sing the song when they saw this thread?!? :bigtooth:


"Love and marriage, love and marriage,
Go together like a horse and carriage...."


aevac://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ze1sx9YR2Ec&feature=related (http://aevac://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ze1sx9YR2Ec&feature=related)





Sorry....couldn't help myself!! (http://aevac://www.rtechsupport.com/forum/Smileys/default/winkcheeky.gif)
yes dear I did. in fact you beat me to that post. I wanted to post that.